Note 25 - Love, trust, fear - a conversation

 5/1/2022

trust is a part of love. technically, all emotions are a part of compassion, but that's another layer than we want for this conversation/message.

trust is a part of love. true love of another - be they family, friend, foe, or other - has no mistrust. the true depth of love is to accept another wholly and completely as they show themselves to you. regardless of what you may believe about them, regardless of what you might think about them. true love of another is to know that they would never do anything to hurt you, and that you would never do anything to hurt them.

self-love is to give yourself that love. to trust wholly. to know that, no matter what someone shows you, it is only done in love.

they are just a figment of that shadow in you, giving you that message. they are the messenger, holding the letter for you. if you can not feel love for them, for being that messenger, then feel love for yourself for loving yourself enough to give you the gift of that message. you may not be able to do it in the moment, but seek to find that love for yourself.

some might feel the need to forgive themselves in this situation. feeling the sensation of what it looks like to be -aware- of having wanted that arrangement between you and them on a deeper, perhaps unconscious (or more), level and suddenly recognizing your behavior towards them in that moment, if you acted in a way you suddenly wish you hadn't. Know that on their deeper level, they accept your apology when you unconsciously ask for that forgiveness. on a 'conscious' level, the other might not have any idea of the realization you came to, but the connection exists. (translator: not sure about last sentence. feels weird and i don't think, don't know if i got it right. it feels off, but i'm having trouble reading what's right. trust is a deep level issue for me. has been for most of my life.)

the concept of all are one stems into the idea that each individual is part of the whole. the universe is consciousness experiencing itself. in interactions with others we know new levels of our own understanding of ourselves. our interactions with others show us, in how we feel during each of the interactions, whether we prefer that situation or not.

that is our individual preference. 

another layer, which provides the spark within every one of us, has no preference at all. that level of consciousness is pure ambivalence.

to choose between a loving universe and a fear-based universe requires the acceptance that both are possible and both had to be considered valuable enough to exist in order to be experienced and determined a preference for. And so you decide: which do you prefer, based on how it feels to you?

As more of you decide that love feels better to you than fear, the more mass consciousness shifts in the direction of feeling love rather than fear. As that mass consciousness shifts, the layer beyond that gains more of a preference. (translator: I feel like there's more to understand here but i feel hesitancy. i can't tell if they don't know, if i can't hear it because of my own beliefs, or if there's a fear on their part that my mind might not be able to cope with it because of how hard it might shove a core belief structure of mine.)

----

personal story: have had a mental break before. i remember being on the phone with someone as a teenager. i was in the garage, at night, by myself while on the phone. whatever the conversation was, i don't remember any of it at this point. i remember watching the world around me, almost as if it were a visual thing, start breaking into puzzle pieces and literally falling apart.

i remember sitting in absolute blackness - darkness implies some small amount of light to me. this was sort dark it was as if there was literally -nothing- around me. i could see the little bit of floor I was huddled on, the phone in my hand, the cord coming off of it just within my peripheral vision, and nothing else. I could see, but it felt like literally nothing was around me for a long while.

i remember sitting there in terror for what felt like forever. I have no idea how long it was and it only occurs to me now, retelling this, that i was on the phone, having a conversation with someone and i remember them questioning my silence. i remember answering them, asking them what we'd been talking about. they stated whatever it was and we continued the conversation. i'd excused myself from the call shortly after and hung up, to go process what'd happened to me. I must have buried that part because it contradicts everything i used to know about time.

what happened had to have only taken seconds. not just the falling apart of the world around me, but the fact that i remember sitting in terror about it for what felt like forever. i remember coming out of that terror and having to deliberately, consciously, put the puzzle pieces of my world back together. I had to deliberately -see- the puzzle pieces in that darkness, that emptiness, and put them back together.

this is a reason i love quantum science so much. it's the only way i can make sense of what happened to me. 

if the universe - everything we experience, including ourselves - is all the same energy as ancient teachings and new teachings seem to be saying, and it's now being proven by science (if I understand it correctly) then it's suggesting that I literally chose every bit of the reality I reconstructed.

this is utterly exciting to me, in this moment. yes, the world/universe might be ambivalent, but if that's so? if that's so, then it means that it does not care one ounce whether i want magic for one reason or another. it doesn't care of i label myself as a good person or a bad person because of why i want magic(or anything). it doesn't care of anybody -else- (individual consciousness) thinks i'm good or bad for wanting it. it's a new thing to explore from this perspective. even if it's not a new combination of ideas as a whole, it'd still be new to this perspective.

the implications of that reach into the idea of being able to choose our power. that utter confidence that you are absolutely everything you want to be in that moment. and that it has nothing to do with anybody else. they're all just the loving messenger, giving you the gift of choosing your own, personal, preference.

the true essence of you is that ambivalence expressing itself with your preferences. (translatee: the layer of mass consciousness). living from that layer

--back to translating**:

living in that layer means fully being able to choose your preferences. 

translator: "nope. lost me again. i question the truth of that. what if i choose to believe that and it's not true? it feels like i've had a lot of experiences that say that's not true."

are they your personal experiences, or experiences you've had from watching shows or interactions between with others?

translator: "...I don't...actually know. It feels like some experiences I've had mean that I can't- Yes. A number of experiences that I wouldn't have chosen have happened."

the feelings you have attached to those memories right now, did you remember to thank the messenger for what you were being shown? can you feel love for the messenger that was showing you that sensation/feeling?

we're not saying you have to bring that person back into your life. they might not have been 'awake' in the situation, just like you were not 'awake' in that situation. you didn't consciously ask for it, and they might not have been conscious in that situation either. one or both of you might have been acting out a pre-arranged agreement, before this perspective's individual personality/ego developed. 

translator: "...."

remember, all reactions to situations are yours on a personal consciousness level. Agreements can be made on a mass-consciousness level, in order to help the mass-consciousness better understand its own preferences. You do not have to -like-, as in enjoy, what happened to you. just understand it for the information it was.

it was not a judgement of you were. it was not your 'higher self' telling you that your individual perspective was doing something wrong - that you attracted it because you were bad. 

remember. mass consciousness is exploring itself. the animating spark under that is compassionate enough to allow that level of self-exploration.

and as you consider that, remember that you get to choose what is true for you. 

as mass consciousness decides more on love, moving toward that instead of fear, as it enjoys the feel of love, it moves towards love as a baseline reaction, a baseline way of being. as so the species goes. humanity as a whole becomes more loving. as we become more loving we then become more compassionate, understanding that others need to experience their experiences for themselves, and we can love them even as they hurt.

we can be there for them, offer them the comfort they need in their pain.

it ties in with what has been heard of christ: 'forgive them father, they know not what they do.'

and now you have to choose for yourself: do you feel safe enough to choose what you want to be true? do you feel courageous enough to choose the potentially unpopular opinion? do you feel strong enough to face that potential stings and arrows, the possible backlash -of- choosing the potentially unpopular opinion?

and do you feel like you have the focus to be able to choose the outcome of those realities that you prefer?

it can be seen as a way of loving from, living from, the state of mass consciousness. of transcending that to love from that state of pure creative power. 

translator: "what if you don't get it this lifetime? As in, if I die - this body dies - because I get to that goal."

That's not living from a mass consciousness level. That's the individual perspective talking. That fear of not getting what you want.

recognize the messenger.

translator: sitting in silence for several minutes (time?) noticing the emotion, objectifying it, breaking it down into the body sensations of what the emotion feels like and then comparing the sensations against how i prefer to feel. 

"...i still feel a lot of discomfort, fear. but it feels different. a flavor combination of frequencies i don't recognize yet. I still want the things that I want, and I want them in this lifetime. I like the idea of helping mass consciousness gain more options to choose from, more preferences to come to, and the idea that it is a loving place to be, but I want these things in my individual perspective, not just in mass consciousness."

Can you choose it?

"No. It doesn't feel like I can choose it. It feels like it's held from me. "

Notice that feeling. Do it again. Go through the process again.

"I just realized I'm holding a written conversation like I've wanted to for a long time."

You've been able to, you just needed to trust more. And you fear people will mock it if they ever see it, and you are so wanting to help and share help with others that you know if you learn anything that feels important to you, that you'll want to share it publicly. That leaves you open to all the slings and arrows, from known and unknown sources.

"That has a lot of fear attached to it..."

We know. You mentioned it earlier to your husband, that it feels like you're working through the trauma of the 'christ crucifixion'. whether the man himself was real or not - because the translator has no way of verifying it - is irrelevant. the story itself makes a deep enough impact to cause a lasting fear and dread about the idea of being truly who you are.

this is organized on a mass consciousness level. those who perpetuate the concept do so out of love, whether they are consciously aware of it or not. mass consciousness has multiple layers to it. it's not necessarily just one nebulous cloud. (nebulous cloud... deeper meaning, or just a turn of phrase I, the translator, am familiar with? uncertain and not the topic, so not getting/receiving an answer right now.)

(Translator: With the knowledge that I may post this publicly sometime, and the knowledge that sometimes it can be preferred to understand what's going on in the physical world at the moment of these kinds of writings, and to help drive it home for myself if/when I re-read this: I've lost track of the translation, going off on a tangent of my own, have realized it, and am now writing to say I am going to sit a minute and see if I get anything further on the discussion I was having with them or if I've lost the frequency completely for the night (or time being).

"Did I get distracted off on a tangent to escape the fear?"

... (it took me a minute after asking to start hearing/feeling the information again).

feel the idea of the crucifixion. 

"doesn't feel as much like fear anymore."

now think of sharing this, these writing, being fully and openly you. making it public who and how you are, and subjecting yourself to others reacting to you.

"Ow. my shoulder, my neck, my heart by a lot, every old pain in all of those areas hurts all of a sudden."

we'd want to distract ourselves from that, too.

"Try to feel the message, right?(there's a lot of pain and discomfort. I'm having a hard time feeling their frequency through it.)" 

"...I'm not working through an ancient trauma. I'm working through my own reaction -to- a -perceived- ancient trauma.... ...?"

(silence and some searching on my part to try and find the frequency to be able to hear them again instead of being focused on the pain.)

Your choice. You get to choose. 

"I feel like we get to this point a lot, and I choose to stop hurting, and I wake up the next day still hurting... Hesitating a few times to say it, but I don't really feel like I get to choose. I feel like it might be possible, but like I'm missing something. Like I choose, but fall into old patterns of hurting that I can't see well enough to be clear of."

"I feel like you've told me before that I'm over-complicating it and that I should just choose. but that feels so damn frustrating sometimes, because I feel like I -do- choose and it just hurts again. I want the want to believe it to be enough. I feel like that's possible.

"By the very virtue of that fact that we have been told we have free will, that would have to be an option. That the want to believe something would be enough to make it a reality."

It makes it a reality enough that it can be chosen. You still have to choose.

"I feel like I -have- chosen. (This circle is one I have been on often in here, and is why, or at least a reason since I might have more I can't think of right this moment, I have difficulty believing all of this in the first place. It feels like a great idea, but I want to -see- something, or feel it on such a deep level that I utterly know it to be true.

"The logic is sound, but there is still a lack of trust. I want to -see- something, experience something, some 'thing' I'd call a miracle that I then couldn't deny it any further. To know it at every level of my being. 

"If we truly have free will, and if this is truly a place in the universe, a species - If I can truly have anything I want, just by choosing it, then show me. show me in a way I can't possibly deny."

You said to your husband earlier, in response to something that had happened in the past, that you had to learn how to trust again. You thanked him, in the now, because he could hear you about it, for the part he played in it, even though he was unconscious of his part at the time. even though both of you were unconscious at the time, you're conscious now. you thanked him now, since he was conscious enough to hear you at the time, when you thanked him. he might or might not understand or remember it later.

it's important for you to remember that.

"I do remember that. I remember how that felt. It felt good. Right now I feel uncertain. It feels like ...it shouldn't be real."

notice what you're feeling. 

translator: *sitting quietly, observing the feeling. noticing the body sensations. editing my own damn words/typos because i can't relax and focus on what I'm feeling when I know I spelled something wrong...*

"...I lost track of the frequency. Tuning back to you."

It's okay. Just try again.

*sitting to try again*

"I feel like it ultimately boils down to not wanting it to be just on a mass consciousness level. I want to live from that level, that layer, or deeper, in this personal perspective. If that spark inside of every individual perspective is the same spark that is at the core of free will as a whole... If that spark is the same spark that is god, or source, the creative power, that thing that is the energy that creates everything our physical eyes see, our physical body touches, then I feel like I should be able to choose to live -as- a creator. -Being- Dr. Strange - or having those abilities - should be an option. Having magic, having wealth, having utter health, having vitality, should all be an option, and I don't feel like I'm being allowed to choose those options. I feel like I choose them, and don't get them, which feels like what I'm being told is false. I go back to wanting proof I can't deny."

How much proof would you need from him to prove he was now telling you the truth? You understood, as you told him that, that nothing would ever prove it, because you would always argue.

This is your blessing and your curse. Seeing alternate possibilities is always a blessing, because you get to choose. Having insecurities limits your ability to choose because it is still fear. 

You've heard before you have to eliminate fear.

"I still don't feel like I can have what I want..." (I feel sullen and sulky as I say this. On an objective level, I find that funny. Inside that perspective, I'm not having a good time at all. I just feel like I'm being lied to and like I'm trying to be convinced to give up my ability to choose and be in control of my life.)

Translator: As I sit and try to hear a response, I'm noticing what I'm starting to get doesn't feel right or true or pleasant to me. I'm debating on listening to it, because it's telling me I'm right, that I am trying to be convinced to give up my control. I feel like I've heard them say before that giving up control would grant total control, but that feels like the ending, or premise, of Labyrinth. "Worship me, and I'll give you everything." 

I dislike that idea and I refuse to choose it. 'The Matrix' premise plays in my head and I know it sounds cheesy, but I like the idea. I feel like I'm going to be laughed at for it, but I want that level of power and control over my reality. Not to take away control from anyone else, but to feel that level of safety, that level of security in my own safety. I want to feel like I can give myself everything I want - the level of love in my relationship that i want. the level of love and respect in the interactions that i want. the level of comfort and luxury in life that i want. without being laughed at. without being sneered at.

I love the idea of a world where we all get to have what we want. Where we get to feel the love and safety and comfort and control that we want. Where anything I look at that seems like it'd be unpleasant (or horrifying) to me, is actually a -conscious- agreement between those experiencing it, so that I can see it and not feel my heart wrench at the pain of it, because I can know they're engaged in that situation by their own conscious agreement.

I want to see mass consciousness tip so far into its own love and power that everyone gets to make that conscious choice for themselves.

I want to see that in my own life. In my own lifetime. This individual perspective's lifetime. And I feel so sad, because I feel like I'm being told it's not an option. 

I'm trying to find the frequency again, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to right now. I may have to call this here and distract myself with other activities or sleep before i can find the frequency I want again.

I feel like I'm stuck in another loop. I'm looking for a logical way out and having a hard time finding one. I know as I stir in this frequency, my neck and back start hurting more. I dislike the pain of it. When I'm translating in/from the frequency that feels good, I don't hurt, but I feel like I'm being told to give up control.

I want both. I want to feel good, pleasant, healthy, wealthy, free, and in control. And I feel like I've been through this circle, of choosing this before, choosing to feel healthy and in control, but wake up in pain again.

Where is the path out of this loop? If there is free will, and we get to choose, where do i turn?

----

translatee: You have had this conversation before. 

Do you want to live on mass consciousness level, or personal perspective level? 

"Both. I've chosen this before. I want both. I want to live, as source, in this perspective."

That is the individual perspective talking. The concept that the ego has to 'die' in order for spirit to live through you. 

When you're so stuck on the idea of being in control, you forget that you'll be consciously experiencing everything. That you'll be individually aware of all of it. That you'd get to say stop, to take over control, at any time. And you don't trust that. That's your fear. 

You explained it to Matt earlier. That you are so afraid of losing control that you won't even listen to a guided meditation, because you refuse to give control over to anyone even to guide your mind. You don't trust them not to have ill intent. To try and force you to do something you don't want to do.

That level of distrust is a deep level of fear. 

"What about 'worship me/serve me/give up control to me, and I'll give you everything. just be my slave, and I'll give you everything...' What about that? What if I give up control and you've lied? What if I give in to my want to trust, to believe, because it feels so good, because what's being offered is so tempting, and all it does is give away my freedom and ability to control my own life, my ability to choose?"

What if it does...? 

"... *frowns* I'd rather have the ability to choose than sweet promises of comfort in slavery."

Translator: I can feel the circle of this starting over again. I want both. I want control and my comforts. If i can't have that, I feel like there is a lie in what I'm being told. That I cannot actually have everything. 

Translatee: What if the thread of the new age movement is wrong?

"Then what did I experience in the garage? What was happening when I had to psychologically put my world back together?"

What if you'd simply had a mental break?

"Then how would it be that it makes sense in the quantum science concept?"

What if it doesn't?

"...Despair."

Right. Feel your throat. Feel your body. Feel the sensation.

You get to choose which reality your in. fear or love. You haven't ever fully chosen love.

You accuse it of sweet lies and of trying to talk you out of your freedom. Fear is ingrained deeply. 

So, what if you choose wrong? what if you agree, give in to the temptations, to the feeling of pure love?

"Star Wars comes to mind. It sounds like 'come to the dark side, we have cookies', to make light of the gravity of that choice. "

What if it is?

"I can't abandon humanity like that. To consciously choose to give up my freedom? It feels like it stands against everything I believe in, every moral I have. Every truth I want to be true."

Feel what you're feeling... Notice how it feels...

"That circle again."

You asked for the logical path out of it.

"...I want to say it's just going to lead back to where it started. Not trusting."

Did you let the process finish, or did you abandon the trail out of fear. You feel a lot of fear here... 

"I didn't let it finish. It feels like it's going to the same place. I feel like I fear letting it finish because I fear letting myself be tempted into giving away my control."

What if you gave away control? 

"I feel like you're offering a deal that would just lead to slavery of myself, or death, and leave humanity's mass consciousness one perspective less that wants to see being in control. That concept of the army of light and being a general in it, to borrow a concept from a previous teacher. I feel like that figurative army would have one less general. I feel like that's how wars are lost."

You're back in the duality again.

Good versus bad. Right versus wrong. Good versus evil. 

Remember, the layer you were looking at living from is ambivelant. Compassionate enough to allow the mass consciousness to experience all options. You want to live from a mass consciousness level? You want to live from that source level? Can you allow that humanity might not choose the love you hope for them? Can you allow they might succumb to self destruction?

we feel you going back into that loop. We feel you feeling like you'd be betraying your species.

if you actually felt true ambivalence, it could be like that. this is the value of the individual perspective. the ability to choose that you prefer the feeling of love. 

"And to live from that level? To live from a place of utter compassionate love? And still have control over my immediate reality?"

We keep telling you that is the choosing of your preferred frequency. Focus. It boils back down to focus. Your ability to focus on the frequency you want.

"And back in the loop-"

Remember that time isn't real. Time is a construct that helps the mind reframe what's happening. 

"The bending of reality as a whole in parts of the Dr. Strange movie. That level of magic. The ability to control the world like in the dreams of Inception. That ability to have magic like exists in Harry Potter. These come to mind."

Mass consciousness does not currently believe it's possible. You don't believe it's possible without humanity destroying itself with it. You cannot, in good consciousness, choose it.

So you wake up with pain.

Can you love that messenger enough to forgive it for that message? 

"My back and neck don't hurt right now. I can feel the tightness, like it might hurt if I stretch or test it..."

The beliefs and understandings aren't settled yet. You wait to wake up and see if you're in pain in order to know if you chose it... 

Is it okay to you if you -don't- choose that level of power to be available yet?

"There's disappointment..."

Can you love them enough to not choose that level of power yet? If you feel like humanity can't handle it, if you blame them, can you forgive them? Be compassionate toward them for that, to allow the whole to continue to explore? Can you be patient? Can you feel like you don't need the power in this individual perspective's lifetime?

That's more living toward mass consciousness.

"The miracles of Jesus come to mind. The miracles of others who have healed or done remarkable things..."

Not the powers you were wanting. Are they enough for now?

"Part of me feels like it's sulking again, like a kid being told it can't have candy before dinner, in a way. A feeling of sort of understanding that I have to learn to walk before I can learn to run."

Mass consciousness is learning to walk, in that regard, yes. 

"My back is starting to hurt again..."

You're understanding you can choose for yourself, rather than for mass consciousness. You can make options available to the whole. On a certain level, you can choose for the whole as well. How much a part of the whole are you willing to allow yourself to be?

How much a part of the whole do you trust yourself to be? Do you trust yourself to-

"The answer, before i finish translating that into words, is yes. On some level. ...Not on an individual perspective level, though. How do i choose enough to heal this physical body? I'm tired of waking up hurting. You say choose. Help me choose. Show me how to choose properly. how to properly choose. The impression I get is that it's no different than choosing what to have for lunch. No different than choosing what to do with spare time when I have no obligations that want to my attention. Nothing thought or action-wise that tries my focus. I feel like i lose track somewhere because i feel like I've done this before and yet still wake up with pain."

Some days more, some days less. Have you noticed what days more and what days less? What decisions were made before going to sleep? Where your frequency was? 

What is your focus?

"It boils down to focus again."

And the fear that creeps up about choosing wrong. 

"Feeling the tightening of your shoulder, your neck and back again."

Fear.

"Distrust..."

Fear turning into distrust. Distract for a moment. Notice the fear as it comes up first, then turns into distrust. The distrust is an explanation being applied to the feeling of the fear.

Distrust is self-preservation for the ego. Distrust is self-preservation for the individual perspective.

This is healthy. This is how we have individual perspectives. How much do you want to feel? How much distrust do you want to have?

"I do not want to be wrong. I don't want to believe a lie."

Especially not when you feel your entire species might end up as food for another entity (one that feeds on fear, that you fear we are). Or machines, like in the movie Matrix.

Remember the end of the philosopher's journey? how love mixed with -

Translator: I lost the thread again.

What if the level of powerful choice you desire is a lie? What if the level you decided you wanted is outside of what was being translated by those who have said you can have and be and do anything you want? What if that was their translation because they didn't have the scope of powerful choice you're after?

"Then the idea that we get to choose at all seems flawed. and even as I say that, I feel the argument that it's -all- a possible choice."

This is the value of being able to argue both sides. This is the value of that 'curse' of seeing multiple perspectives. 

"You're going to tell me to choose again. how can I choose the reality that I want when ...there is fear."

You've heard before that you have to release fear to find the frequency of love.

Follow the logic of love for a moment. 

Love allows for all possibilities.

"And the fact that I keep waking up in pain...? It -feels- like my neck and shoulder are reknitting and strengthening themselves right now, as i think this."

You want to ask how to keep this sensation. choose it.

Flex the muscle of your focus. You've been getting better at it. Keep focusing on the frequency you want. 

THAT is your control. You control your focus. That control is your comfort, than you cannot lose control so long as you have the ability to focus.

You lose track of that focus. You're learning to walk in that regard. You're learning to use your own muscles, see through your own eyes. 

That was shown metaphorically in the movie, Matrix. The reality of it is experiencing it from within. That level of focus. 

You're practicing.

You wake up in pain because you lost track of focus. You're getting better at it. Are you allowed to succeed?

"Point. there's a fear of succeeding. Of surpassing others. I don't want anyone around me to feel inferior or as if I am somehow better than them."

It has the same flavor as the christ story. The crucifixion again.

"To really magnify it...yes."

Sometimes you have to magnify it to be able to fine-tune a frequency. That's the discomfort of what's felt sometimes. Your body is uncomfortable at the moment, in different ways now (my abdomen, my other shoulder and other side of my neck, it keeps moving as I try to notice where it is.)

That's the energy moving. Sometimes magnifying an emotion allows you to feel it in your body and then watch the energy move in that fashion, allowing you a more physical representation of it, since you don't often feel like you make any real progress unless you've felt some sort of physical movement.

it boils back down to your level of trust in your choice. 

"I've chosen not to feel physical sensation, the discomfort of the energy movement before, and not felt like I made any progress, yes. I've felt like I've attempted choosing desired beliefs without feeling this sort of physical discomfort before, only to wake up with the pain again."

Right. You don't trust your choice.

"That feels like circular logic..."

What has to give first? Would you rather feel good, or be right?

"What choice would I need to make to not be in discomfort or pain, both now and in the morning? To have a body that is fully healed and feels wonderful to be in?"

You would have to fully give up fear.

we know, and acknowledge, that you waited for a minute to write down what you heard from us here. We know it feels to you like we're saying to give up control. Reread the conversation so far. this is faster than you trying to hear us all over again and accomplishes several goals.

Translator: *scrolling up to re-read*

"...Giving up fear, feeling fully love, allows for both options of feeling fear or love at any given time. 

"Distrust is coming from fear. Living from that layer of love would mean acknowledging the fear as an option and -not- fearing it. Knowing that -it- doesn't have control. 

"...I feel like I've understood this before. Like i usually get this, but got swept up in the feeling of distrust so much tonight that I started to- I am usually so set on the idea that love is the better preference. I advocate for that feeling of coming from a space of love. I deeply want that to be true, and I fear giving over control...

"The fear of not being able to choose, of giving up control, is a fear all of itself. The fear of fear is the loop. The saying that 'the only thing to fear, is fear itself.' because of what it means. and it feels like circular logic. how do you prove it?

"If you prove it by experiencing it... What if I'm wrong?"

if you're wrong, on a personal perspective level, do you trust mass consciousness to be able to produce another path to the future you desire as humanity for a whole, even if this individual perspective got it wrong? Or does the fate of the whole future rest on this one individual perspective's choices?

"It sounds absurdly arrogant, thinking of it in that light. And yet, what if it were true? "

Do you want it to be?

"Not even a little. That is way too much pressure. The anxiety alone is making my ribs hurt and making certain muscles far more tense than I know how to make them consciously."

That's the beauty of your neck and back hurting you the way they do. You have good conscious control over a lot of your body. We can still show you body sensation through here, to show you in a body sensation what you're feeling emotionally. Being able to objectify the emotion as a body sensation, you can see when you tighten and when you don't, based on what you're focusing on.

this helps you see the direction of your focus. You're practicing control over your focus in this way. choosing your frequency by how it feels, the sensations of it, and then focusing on it is how you choose your reality.

you get distracted from your focus and go back to how you usually believe things to be. your physical discomfort often has your focus. unfortunately, you usually have yourself focus on it in a way that perpetuates it. thus, you don't choose the healed version (everything just relaxed and stopped hurting for a moment as that last part was typed, as if putting a fine point on what it's like to focus where i want. the tightness started returning as i'm typing. I've possibly made myself sore by sitting in this spot for...4 hours now, typing this conversation as I have it. Part of me deeply believes I'm going to be in pain tomorrow as a result now.)

You get to choose that.

"I'm not sure I believe I have a choice here. And i feel like you're saying 'As you like' about that, as if it's my choice to believe it or not. ...Sitting back to focus into the frequency that feels more like love to me than where I was, i could feel the sensations diminish again. I believe, a little more, that love is the frequency they say it is. I still have to test that though. It's hard to believe that it's true. 

(And the impression I get as i write these thoughts down is that they will continue to be present while I test and 'continue learning how to walk'. I am ....frustrated...and thankful at the same time. I feel like both an obstinate child and like I'm proud of myself at the same time. Like the child getting pissy at its parent for trying to hold it up while it's trying to learn how to hold itself up. It feels like they're proud of me...and at the same time I feel in myself the wondering if i can trust them lol. Such a confusing sensation...

...I think I'm going to leave this here for now. I can feel there's more, but I also feel like I want a break for it and I feel like I've been forcing myself to go further than I've been wanting to because I expect progress from myself. I feel like i want to be gentler on myself right now, and allow myself to relax, distract, diffuse, and just look at the world with the new eyes being offered to me. <3 )