Note 26 - Oracle card pull and thoughts on it - 5-3-2022

 5/3/2022

cards pulled:

compass - reversed

metamorphosis

dragon's lair

understood meaning: 

compass reversed - what you focus on is what the compass needle is going to point you toward. pay attention to what you're focused on. it becomes your 'higher power' (words from the definition in the book). 

thoughts: the concept of 'don't worship false idols' came to mind. reminded of the idea of jesus encouraging others to focus on love. last night's conversation came to mind - focus on love.

metamorphosis - you're changing. sometimes change hurts. that pain is sometimes necessary in order to become who we want to be.

thoughts:  this card came out together with the one above. I viewed them as connected in concept. acceptance that things are changing and setting the expectation for that change to be good. (My question for the day is always 'what do i need to know or hear today for my highest good' or something to that effect.)

dragon's lair - entering a new realm, be aware there might be danger.

thoughts: viewed this with a sense of it being a precarious road, not because focusing in my desired way - on living from a place of love - would be inherently dangerous - although thinking about it now, i can certainly see how it might be. I viewed it, at the time of the card pulling, to be more of a caution to watch my footing. That loosing my focus on that desired frequency, love, can cause me difficulty or pain. the card shows what looks like a very icy staircase winding up a narrow mountain with dragons flying around. my interpretation of that, in relation to the first two cards, makes sense to me.

I don't usually record the cards I pull in the start of my day anymore. I used to quite some time ago, in a separate location from my dictation notes. They have been proving very relevant in the course of my days and, now that the day is ...not over, but winding down a bit energetically for me (feels more mellow, have passed most of the activity for the day from what it feels like to me), they are prominent enough that i feel the want to record them and the day itself.

I woke up without my neck hurting.

Given last night's conversation, I felt that important to state. Repeat: I woke up without pain.

I went to sleep focusing into the frequency of love to the best of my ability. As close to what it feels like to me as I could find (all that can ever be done). I had also taken a couple generic brand ibuprofen as well as decided to use a cherry pit heat bag that I enjoy. (Sturdy cloth filled with cherry pits that you microwave for two minutes and get a good amount of moist heat from, the moisture feels like it penetrates deeper into the tissue to me, so I really like it when I'm in a lot of pain.)

Easy enough to write off waking up without pain as a 'duh, you took care of your body'. I've done this before, without focusing on a frequency as I drift off, and still woken up in pain. Psychosomatic? Maybe. Actually, probably. But I believe most things are psychosomatic, at their root. (caused by the mind.)

I could talk about that subject alone for quite some time. Back to the point.

Noticing the lack of pain, I probed around my body mentally, feeling the muscles, tendons and joints in my neck. Yes, they were still tender. I could feel a tightness, but it wasn't yet pain.

Pulled the cards listed above, then went about my day.

Hubby was set on making a footstool for me. Ended up noticing my emotions starting to turn unpleasant and responded to him before addressing the emotions. 

What resulted, thanks to his patience (he rarely takes my outbursts personally, thankfully. <3 ) I had a chance to confront my own emotions, figure out what was bothering me under what I'd responded with, and express that to him.

This was a good portion of the day. Various conversations, me noticing my emotions and confronting them to get the message underneath, then conversing with him further. We like to explain to each other where we're coming from, to understand one another. He's better about it than I have been in the past.

After a number of times confronting myself, I hit a subject that had been buried very deep.

I come from a multi-divorce upbringing. I hadn't realized how deeply this had affected me. I knew I had fears around anger and expressing myself, but not always exactly why and had not consciously tied them to being young during two divorces. The first was so young I have no conscious memories, so couldn't say one way or the other how it affected me. The second is one that has many conscious level hurts associated with it. I usually don't mention them to anyone because they're usually something I'm just aware of in myself and don't feel the need to talk about. I just recognize my pattern and move on. Usually.

I consciously made a point of facing every constricting emotion today. Even the subtle ones. It ended up unpacking a lot of emotional pain. There was a lot of crying. Hard crying. The muscle-clenching, unable to breath comfortably type crying. (My neck definitely flared up from it.)

Matt had come to me with a sketch, ready to take some measurements for a desk and chair setup, so i can have the right computer set up and ease the pain that my make-shift setups cause. Something about it bothered me, and I needed a minute to process. I told him I didn't want to do the measurements 'now', in the frequency that I was in. He understands me when I speak like this, thankfully, and so said sure and asked me if I wanted him to leave.

I was feeling deeply insecure about something, but couldn't tell if I wanted his presence or not. I told him 'only if you want to' in response to his question.

I have known for a long time that I only want people do what they want to do around me, and with me. I have had far too many people - family, friends, co-workers, etc. - offer me an option only to find out they didn't actually -want- to give me what they were offering. They were just being polite. 

I utterly despise this behavior. I view it as dishonest.

I now have a better understanding of why I feel this way. I took some things that happened during the divorce as my fault, as a child. I have never wanted anything other than love and joy for the people around me. To feel as if anyone is putting themselves in any kind of discomfort or pain because they somehow feel obligated to me to do so is...heart wrenching to me. 

I feel like more came out during that session, but that's what stuck with me that I remember right now.

After recovering from the crying jag I got -intensely- cold. Massive energy movement - I've felt the symptoms before under the guidance of an energy-conscious coach. It's almost like having the flu, really. Very cold, can't stop shivering, nausea, sometimes muscle spasms. 

The cards I'd pulled at the start of my day came to mind again and I still find it kind of funny. The thought reminded me to stay focused on my desired frequency though. (I like to keep the cards I pull in front of me at my desk during the day, so I have a constant reminder.)

A long hug from hubby (Matt), a helpful conversation, and I decided to take a bath to try and warm my bones back up. (So cold >.< lol). I used the time alone to really sit with every message I was being given and I started to see all of it through this 'lens of love'. It felt so surreal. A deep sense of peace and wonder, appreciation for everything around me. 

It's now several hours (and distractions) later. I can still call up that sensation. When I do so, everything has this marvelous quality to it. It's sort of like the world - everything I see, feel, smell, sense on a physical level - is heightened, and in the best ways. The pain diminishes, the colors are prettier, I feel a soft wonder and appreciation for everything that my eyes wander across. 

I acknowledge how hokey that might sound. I'm okay with it. Feeling that way feels worth it to me.

Knowing that I'll be keeping a personal side to my 'translations', and knowing I had a lengthy conversation with "them" last night, I felt it worthwhile to note down the happenings from today. 

When learning this sort of information myself, I always wished I could crawl into one of these people for a day, just to see what it was like from the inside. The kind of 'What does it feel like to live this way?' idea. I wanted to offer that here for anyone else who might've wanted the same thing as me on their journey. <3